Michael Bay's Transformers is the weirdest shit ever - surpasses David Lynch

[Boringnick]

So, they are making yet another Transformers movie.. holy heck!

I am absolutely dumbfounded by these movies! I get many things - I watched for hours those "flat earth" videos on youtube and felt less confused by those than after a Transformers movie.

Watching these movies, I am absolutely in awe how much of an gargantuan overcomplicated mess they are, and how much weird ass garbage is included into them. It's insane! Seriously, it would have been ultra-easy to write a sane script for a Transformers movie: Robot aliens (good/bad factions) come to earth and lay waste to everything. Basically Independence Day with robots. The end.

Now you might say: "Hey, that's exactly what the Transformers movie are, mindless explosions and actions". WRONG! That's the main problem with them: If it would be just corny action, I would be the last one to complain.

No, this crap with filled with myriad of ridiculous sideplots (drug-addicted dogs, weird ass daddy-issues, coming-of-age teen garbage), American Pie humour, weird SERIOUS WAR MOVIE/X-Files segments interspersed with dick jokes and on and on. The "robots beating each other to pulp"-stuff makes only like 5% of these stupid movies. The rest is pure ABSURDITY. Absurdity on a whole new level in cinema.

I especially "like" the military parts. Those are absolutely INSANE, because they look like they are lifted straight from Black Hawk Down, soldiers are screaming and dying, mayhem everywhere.. AND CUT TO ROBOT HUMPING A LEG. CUT TO CLICHED INDIAN IN A CALL-CENTER.

What the heck is the tone supposed to be of those scenes? Same with the "government conspiracy" stuff (The agency John Turturro is head of). They are filmed like something straight out of X-Files or 24, except for the American Pie clips cut between them (inane dick jones, fat nerd jokes, masturbation jokes, pissing robots, you name it). It's as if in the middle of 24, Jack Bauer would pull his peener out, stick it into a pie and immediately afterwards torture a terrorist as if nothing happened.

I was absolutely in awe of the "Bumblebee captured" scene in the first movie. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears. This shit was played like the standard "poor misunderstood being mishandled by the evil goberment" (you know, E.T., King Kong..) scene, complete with DRAMATIC music and a boy crying for his best friend ("BUMBLEBEEE!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Except that it's in a movie with pissing (or ejaculating) robots! You know, for such a scene to work, the captured subject has to be endearing. E.T. was endearing, asshole sexual deviants from space aren't. I watched the cartoon as a kid, and I am pretty sure the bots weren't creeps back then. The robots in these movie are the least sympathetic robots I've ever seen in a film! And a skilled film maker can easily make mechanical beings that you care for: I can vividly remember a movie by Wes Craven where a boy builds a robot and that robot gets destroyed by an evil neighbor with a shotgun. That scene was devastating! You saw how the boy was building that robot, how he made a bond with it etc. Another example: "Miracle on 8th Street". It's the one where cute little robotic UFOs help a bunch of people against their landlord. If you felt nothing when one of the UFOs was beaten up by a thug, then you're a heartless POS.

But the Bayformers? I couldn't care less if all of them would have been nuked, Autobots and Decepticons alike (which made the "they are people too!"-lines in the sequels really amusing). Except for some corny Optimus Prime speeches and inane one-liners by the other CGI-splashes, what stood out the most about them were their weird sexual innuendos: Urinating on humans (or maybe ejaculating on them, given the "lubricating" reference), dry-humping the legs of humans, showing their testicles and bunch of other crap I probably forgot about. They anal-probed some people too much I guess and should be rotting in some space-alien-sex-offender prison.

Also, it absolutely didn't help that they looked like pieces of trash metal. Literally: Garbage. Somehow Michael Bay managed to make giant robots beating the living crap out of each boring, because you can't make out where one robot begins and the other ends. Them fighting looks as if 3D-Studio bugged out.

The best scene in all of this mad franchise was the glimpse of Cybertron in the first movie. That was awesome: Ten seconds of Robot war (with projectiles, so it didn't look that bad) with no fart-jokes and teen crap - that was the movie I wanted to see - where is it? Instead we got convoluted crap on a whole new ****** level. My mind blurred after each movie, I had no idea what was happening after a while:

Dogs addicted to weed, masturbation, WAR, men in black, ancient prophecies, NASA conspiracy, cold war stuff, ancient civilisations stuff, politics talk, giant robots smashing pyramids with their huge balls, annoying parents, chosen one, military grunts accidentally walking into the wrong movie, every military/police/college cliche you can find, robot heaven, X-files, bleeding robots, senile robots, ghetto-hood robots, hackers, hot blonde hackers, fat nerd hackers, Mark Wahlberg's kids wanting to do each other, STUFF.

Too much garbage STUFF! Too much words in the ****** script. Shooting a robot to well-made CGI bits and commenting it with "Hasta la Vista Baby!" is awesome - shoooting a robot trash can and talking about how your new underwear sucks isn't.

Sure, they are based on a toy-line and an 80s cartoon, but somehow it's possible to make a good film out of a invincible flying man shooting lasers from his eyes, but a story about a robot war just has to have drugged out mums running wild in college to make it work.

And all this filmed in ultra-hardcore ORANGE/TEAL too boot: Carrot people!

This franchise is insane. Some of it could very well fit into a David Lynchian "Black Lodge" and it wouldn't be too far out there, except that he is able to hit the right tone with his weirdness, in opposite to Transformers.

I am astounded how something like the Transformers movies were made. They are not corny action movies (the robot-action scenes make up only a tiny fraction of it) - They are a mess overfilled to the brim with WEIRD SENSELESS TASTELESS CRAP to unbearable extend. How could expert film makers greenlight this? And why are there so many sequels? It boggles my mind.

[Len5]

I have no idea what you're talking about. The only Transformers movie I know is The Transformers: The Movie from 1986.

[Golden_Gonads]

I have no idea what you're talking about. The only Transformers movie I know is The Transformers: The Movie from 1986.

So... You haven't heard of the new one where they fight alongside King Arthur?

[Len5]

Come on, that would be ridiculous. Who would take an awesome cartoon from the 80's and besmirch it like that?
Not even a person with hardly any decency could ever do that and I'm pretty sure it's illegal too.

[Morkonan]

The whole "Transformers" movie IP left the rails, long ago.

It's worthless garbage, but it has 'splosions, giant robots and penis references, and people pay lots of money to watch 'splosions, giant robots and penis references.

If they want to make a Transformers blockbuster, one that breaks records, all they have to do is add robot boobs... It'll happen.

Comic book version - good
Cartoon version - fun
Movie version - wtfisthis$4!&

[Masterbagger]

They did it better in the 80's.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOhnKIVLzOw

[muppetts]

Last one made 1.1 Billion, just saying maybe your not the target audience as they make money by the truck load.

[UniTrader]

Last one made 1.1 Billion, just saying maybe your not the target audience as they make money by the truck load.

i know this has a slight touch of discussing people, but:
do you want to say everything which makes truckloads of money is good?

[Morkonan]

Last one made 1.1 Billion, just saying maybe your not the target audience as they make money by the truck load.

i know this has a slight touch of discussing people, but:
do you want to say everything which makes truckloads of money is good?

If its purpose is to make money, then it's obviously efficient at doing so. If that's all that one cares about, then it is "good."

But, at least for me, I can admit that not all movies that make money are worth watching and they certainly don't always end up being a quality movie.

If people paid for a movie AFTER watching it, I bet we wouldn't have any more of these Bayish Tranformerlike movies.

[muppetts]

There are five of these movies, people knew by number 1,2,3 what kind of stuff it was and it still made truck loads of money.

+ Yes the industry does measure the success of a movie by whether they can earn back the money it took to make it plus profit, it's how they make more of them.

Good or bad is subjective, I am saying that allot of people, more than most movies released, think this is great, cos they keep paying to go back and see the next one.

Same for 'Pirates of the Carib' or better known as how I make any money these days by Jonny Depp.

I think these movies are trash but they are not after my money, I doubt the people who liked this would spend money on going to see a re-screening of 'Jean de Florette' in the Barbican, I would, does not make it 'better' or worse, just different.

[Morkonan]

...
+ Yes the industry does measure the success of a movie by whether they can earn back the money it took to make it plus profit, it's how they make more of them...

This might be something we should be focused on - These "blockbuster" trash movies filled with inane pap may eventually help more artistically worthy movies to get made.

Though, given how the arcane world of movie financing actually works, it's almost impossible to track movie financing and their budgets...

[Jericho]

I am absolutely dumbfounded by these movies!

That's me watching Bridget Jones.



I've only seen the first Transformers movie. I didn't like it. I can't stand Megan Fox. People say she was hired as eye-candy. I appreciate that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but eeesh, that's some foul-candy that's been left out overnight and pissed on by a fox. She sure as hell isn't April O'Neil either!!!!!!!!!!




Has anyone seen The Island? I really like this film. Starts off subtly, but descends into Michael Bay toward the end. The thing is, it's not a high-impact-in-your-face-action film, but in the middle of the film, there is a sudden chase scene, where our heroes are flying/riding hover-bikes, and half the city gets destroyed.

It has nothing to do with the rest of the film, and has no effect on the rest of the film. It feels like someone said "Hey, this film is a little slow for today's MTV generation, we need some action!" proving how out of touch the studio execs really are. And so they added this scene.

BUT...

In Transformers 3, they reused the same chase scene from The Island. Thanks to it all being CGI, they just glued a Transformer on top.
https://youtu.be/qo0qbSJmQfo

So... Did they just happen to reuse the scene, or was this a way of extending the budget of an upcoming film buy filming it for The Island instead? It is just so out of place in The Island.


If you really 'love' Micheal Bay, watch this for a guest appearance. His "$h1t-Eating Grin" is a masterpiece.
https://youtu.be/_wYtG7aQTHA

[Boringnick]

Last one made 1.1 Billion, just saying maybe your not the target audience as they make money by the truck load.

I am all for corny escapist action movies, no probs. But this trash is actually overfilled with weird garbage.

Brain-melting ADHD dialogues, weird trash scenes that seem to be lifted from b-movies (but with none of the charm) like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (drugged out mums on campus, minutes-long scenes talking about a teenager wanking off) infused with "serious" war scenes but which are interspersed with z-grade wanna-be American Pie segments, thus deleting any tension.. Blergh.

I get corny action movies like movies Die Hard, Face/Off, or even Bay's The Rock, but THIS? The plots are an overcomplicated mess (something it shares with the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels), there are no memorable one-liners, the action is sub-par, because due the robot-design, you can't discern what's actually going on, it doesn't even have the "cheese"-factor. It's just bad. And let's not talk about the awful teal/orange look.

Also, the military in these garbage movies has no problems fighting the evil transformers off. The good robots seem to be actually a hindrance. In the sequel, the Decepticons (bad guys) are hiding when suddenly an army troop together with a bunch of autobots (good guys I suppose?) arrives and slaughters them mercilessly. That's like the biggest sin in action-movie 101, where the protagonists are stronger than the antagonists from the very start, yet the antagonists also don't have any redeeming qualities, so that "rooting for the goodies/baddies" never clicks in.

I just don't get it who the target audience is and why it makes so much money. As I said, I get many things, but this one baffles me.

[Jericho]

I just don't get it who the target audience is and why it makes so much money. As I said, I get many things, but this one baffles me.

China.

China is the target audience.

So basically, you're a big fat racist

[Boringnick]

I just don't get it who the target audience is and why it makes so much money. As I said, I get many things, but this one baffles me.

China.

China is the target audience.

So basically, you're a big fat racist

Really? Is their film-taste this bad? Where does the US-Army show-off fits into this though?

[Jericho]

Really? Is their film-taste this bad? Where does the US-Army show-off fits into this though?

Can't answer that (Are the soldiers all dieing?)
But China is (allegedly) the big location that games and films make their money now. Hence China no longer being the bad guy in films, even in remakes where China was the bad guy in the original (Red Dawn remake has North Korea and their 7 tanks and photoshopped planes invade the US)

[Boringnick]

Can't answer that (Are the soldiers all dieing?)

It's not soldier-centric, it's a military-hardware show off.

There are much more shots of army jets and helicopters starting and landing than of the actual robots doing anything (which is understandable, because the Transformers look like trash-heaps in robo-form).

[Morkonan]

OK... NOW I see why this movie is, truly, one of the most f'd pieces of crap, ever..

SPOILER WARNING - While there is literally NO REASON AT ALL TO FEAR PLOT SPOILERS FROM THIS MOVIE SINCE NOBODY TRIED TO MAKE ANY SENSIBLE PLOT WHEN WRITING THE SCREENPLAY, this link does contain what some people might consider to be "spoilers." But, only if they were, in fact, on crack while watching the movie, which is the only way they could rearrange anything in it so it would make some form of sense to their crack-addled brains.

https://io9.gizmodo.com/transformers-th ... 1796409426

Loosely defined, this is a "story" since "stuff happens." Other than that, I don't think it's definable as much else.

[Ketraar]

Cant blame Bay for making a ****** movies if people go see it tbh. Much like with the Furious franchise, if people watch and pay for this crap they deserve crap.

MFG

Ketraar

[Jericho]

if people watch and pay for this crap they deserve crap.

Certainly explains all the Mario and Sonic games